Don't know what to do... At a loss for words...

[Dan J.]

It's hard for me to write this out. No one has ever accused me of being too emotional and I am not known to ask anyone for help, but I really, really need it now.



Wednesday afternoon we picked up my youngest from preschool. Like usual at 2:30pm Ms. Tori brought him out and Jackie gave hugs and like always insisted we give hugs, too. Little did we know that within the half hour she would have a fatal accident on her way home from school and be gone.



Victoria "Tori" Thompson has been a vital part of Jack's life for the last 2+ years. (He's 4.5 yrs. old.) She has been with him as his parapro at all times while he has attended school. She's been the one playing with him, teaching him, eating with him, cleaning him up, changing his dirty clothes, and always excited and happy to help him get those clothes dirty in daily play, learning, and life experiences as an exemplary model of special education assistance. (My precious little buddy has Down Syndrome.) She was a big part of the reason we agreed on the program they wanted Jack to be in for this year; half day pre-k / half day typical kindergarten. His school would like to "mainstream" Jack after seeing his abilities and educational growth. He's not ready for kindergarten technically until next year (birthday in Oct.), but we felt if he really excelled in this program, it would be wonderful for him, especially since Ms. Tori is with him all the time. I feel she always will be with him and looking over him, proudly watching him excell on the foundation she helped create.



The reason I gave the information above (I rarely, if ever, post personal stuff) is for the part I need so much help with. How do I explain to him that she won't be there any more? How can I gently make him understand that she's in heaven and can't play? I can't possibly convey how hard this is for me to write. I feel so terrible about her death and feel terrible about having to explain to my precious little boy the facts at hand. He knew we were upset since Weds. afternoon and we kept him home yesterday, hoping to give the other teachers a chance to start working through this horrible ordeal.



What can I do???? What should I do???? How do we fracture the innocense of our child with the shattering reality of our mortality???? I just don't know what to do.....
http://www.gainesvilletimes.com/news/article/22854/

 

[Randy Walls]

Dan, this may not be the best, but I would explain that God wanted her home. That he wouldn't have brought her back to heaven if he didn't think that he (jack) wasn't ready to move on. That she loved him and she will be watching him progress/grow from heaven. She is now his angel and that it is ok to be sad that she is gone but she will forever be in his life, just not in person.



I wish you the best with this and hope all works out for you and Jack!



God Bless!

Randy!

 

[Bill McElroy]

Wow,...what a tragedy!! I can't begin to comprehend the challenge you're facing right now, but given the fact that Jack is only 4.5 yrs old, he isn't going to comprehend "death" yet anyway,...he's probably going to feel alittle "abandoned" by Tori, and he could possibly act out his frustration. My advice would be to contact your church and ask to speak to the Pastor and ask for his/her advice on how to explain death to a pre-schooler...the worst thing to do would be to make it sound like Tori just "left" and won't be back...Jack may feel like it was because of something HE did,...you don't want him feeling guilty, either. Little kids are resiliant,...he may not be nearly as affected by this as you are,....and that's GOOD. You might very well be surprised and see him bounce back in no time......pray for a miracle. something good will come from this...it might just take a while to notice it!! My deepest condolences to you and your wife and to Tori's family.....why do the "good die young"??



Mac

 

[Dan J.]

He's a tough lil' guy. Loves everybody and doesn't have a mean bone in his body. (His Mom's inluence, no doubt.) His teacher called a few minutes ago during snack time to let me know how he's doing and give details on Ms. Tori's viewing and funeral. She said they talked about happy and sad faces in "circle time" and that Ms. Tori was not going to be at school because she's dancing with Jesus.



This is tearing me up like I can never describe. She was such a wonderful, giving soul and all I can think about is my little boy asking why. I don't know how to respond if/when he starts asking.

 

[Marty Klein]

 

[Mark Hofman]

Dan,



Mac is right. It will be awhile until Jack can really understand death. It will be impossible, and I would even say unhelpful, to try and shield him from the sadness and other emotions he will be feeling. But it is a good time to talk to him, as his dad, about what death is and that everyone eventually dies. It's just the way things are.



You might try this when the opportunity (teachable moment) comes up:



Take a raw egg. Tell Jack that everyone is like that egg. There is the hard, white shell and there is some good stuff inside. Then crack the egg and pour the yolk into a clear glass. Tell him, "When we die, the stuff inside goes to be with God forever because that's where we will be the happiest. The white part, the shell, our bodies, stays behind and we put it in the ground because it isn't needed any more." That's what we see in the casket - the egg's shell. The good stuff - the real Ms. Tori - is not with us any more, and that's okay.



You'll want to keep reassuring him that Ms. Tori didn't choose to leave him. It was an accident. Sometimes bad things happen that hurt us and make us sad, and that nothing he did (as Mac said) caused the accident. He's just too young to understand a true answer to the "Why" question. It's best to keep it very simple and clear: everyone dies, it's not his fault, and that there will be lots of people to help him deal with his sadness - especially his dad.



Schools will normally provide grief counselors. Jack will be feeling grief, he'll work through it because of loving people that surround him, and he'll be okay.

 

[Brian Ingersoll]

I had to deal with this with my oldest daughter at about the same age when the cat we had needed to be put down. I know a cat and a person are not the same, but it is the only comparison I have to draw upon. We explained that he had completed God's work here and was being rewarded for a good job by going to heaven and waiting for us there when we were done with our work.She was able to accept that, but her biggest problem and the most tears came when she suddenly felt she couldn't remember what he looked like. We told her she would always remember and took a couple pictures and let her draw her own picture to have of him. Again, I know its was a cat, but he was a member of the family for her whole life.

I would suggest if he likes to draw, have him draw a picture of them together playing after you explain it to him. I don't know if it will help, but it couldn't hurt.



Good Luck

 

[Scott Hammer TOXIC]

I wish I had something to add. I can only try to shoulder some of your pain. You are a fantastic parent and person. I'm sure you will come up with a way, that only you can, to explain to your son, whom you know better than anyone else, what happened.



TOXIC

 

[TrepMan]

Dan - I'm sitting here in tears. We went through a similar situation when Eli was that age, his Pre-K Teacher's Son and Mother-N-Law were killed. That took his Teacher out for the rest of the year, and out of teaching completely.



All of the advice in the world will not change the tradegy, and it sounds like little Jack is learning and dealing. I would keep all the positive discussions, keep him focused and let him ask questions when he has them. We did not dwell long term on the specifics, though through the school the discussion came up regularly for months, as the funeral occured, the mother-n-law passed soon after from injuries...



Hug him, love him, and i know you and your family will come through this tradegy together.
http://www.savealifega.org/id32.html

 

[Dan J.]

Picked up the boys from school to find that Jack had a terrible day. Very defiant, aggressive, things he rarely is. He asked for Ms. Tori many times and has not accepted or understood that she is gone. The whole school seemed notably somber. The weather (rainy here) didn't help. He went out like a light before we left the school parking lot and I figure he needed the rest. I am still clueless how to help him through this when he wakes up. I really appreciate the kinds words and suggestions. I will try my best to put them to use. I just don't think he's ready to see or grasp the concept of someone so close to be gone so fast. Thanks again.



Here's the reasons I have to be thankful every day.

 

[Gilbert Scales2]

Dan, my heart goes out to you. I have no advise, however will pray for your family. What a horrible thing.



Bubby

 

[ND Bass]

Dan, as someone who does 'family support' (respite care and coaching for parents), I know it's not easy. All I can offer is that it will get better with time. While we can understand 'God called her to a new assignment', he thinks differently.



You and everyone connected to Tori are in my prayers.

 

[Texas Transplant]

Dan,



I know that this is tough on you and your wife right now. The best that I could probably add is do what you always do with great kids - love them and try to stay as close as possible to them right now. No amount of conversation and talk at this point in time is going to be able to have your son understand what has happened.



Personally, I think any type of conversation about 'she has gone somewhere else', is likely just going to bring more questions that are difficult to answer. I think that the more you talk about Ms. Tori with your son, the harder it is going to be for him to move on, at this point.



I wish you, your wife and family all the best in dealing with this.



Tex

 

[William H. (Bill) Barham]

Oh Dan...like Trep I'm sitting here in tears over everything you wrote and the newspaper article. Jack and everyone else who knew or had known Ms. Tori is going to suffer for awhile. She seems to have been a supremely wonderful women who touched a lot of hearts in her short time here.. I'm sure she is in the arms of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ right now. I think it may take a little while but I would bet Jack will understand sooner than many think. "Some one needed Ms. Tori more than Jack did and she had to move on." My heart is hurting over this Dan and for sure I will be saying prayers for all of you and Ms. Tori too.. Keep your Faith and just hold and hug Jack.. That's about all you can really do Dan.. God Bless You All!!!:wub:



Uncle Billy

 

[butch hannah]

my wife and i have custody of her 2nd cousins because her grandmother that had custody of them and was killed in a car wreck ... we told the kids that God needed her in heaven and we picked out a star ( we picked out the first one in the big dipper) and thats nannys star

that she lives on in heaven .. the youngest one was 3 at the time and now she is 7 and from time to time will look up to find nannys star



i'll pray for your family

 

[Dan J.]

My wife and I can't thank you all enough for your kindness, help and support. After a very rough night, we've decided that my wife will go to the viewing while the boys and I stay home. We just don't feel the funeral home is the way for Jack to see Ms. Tori (her shell) for the last time. Jack's last memory of her should be the daily hugs after school, loading up in the truck to go home.



I've had some close friends/family state that letting Jack heal through the natural loss of memories at his age. I know it seems reasonable to let him continue on, allowing time to take its course, but I can't bear the thought of someone so wonderful being forgotten out of convenience. She made such an impact on my little boy. She was the reason we were willing to start his education so early. He shouldn't have to leave those wonderful memories of such an unselfish, caring love behind.



I figured being a parent was going to be a challenge, but I have to say, this is out of my realm. Thanks again for the kindness and the shoulders, fellas. I am totally in the weeds with this and truly appreciate the constructive help and support.

 

[ND Bass]

Dan, take comfort in knowing God only give us what he knows we can handle. He must have some pretty amazing things ahead for you and your family!

 

[Tim Koepp]

 

[Carlos Hathcock III]

Dan,

Have not had to experience this; but I would think that it is better to accencuate the positive for the long term memories you all have of her and your relationship with Ms. Tori.



Semper FI



Carlos

 

[Teri C.]

Dan,



So sorry to hear about your loss. Having spent numerous volunteer hours with special needs children, I don't think Jack is old enough to understand death. Hopefully he can understand the concept of God and heaven and you can explain that's where Ms Tori has gone. I am still not sure he will understand but I think I have something that might help. Once you explain heaven, you take a helium balloon (something he understands) and have him release it outside and explain it's going up to Ms Tori and she will love it. We did that with all the little ones when my grandfather died and they still remember the balloons. Just a suggestion. Prayers for your wisdom to deal with this situation.



Teri

 

[Mini]

So sorry to hear Dan. Unfortunately I dont have a phrase or words of advice. Prayers out to you and your family.



I really like Teri's idea!

 

[Dan J.]

Thank you all again for your kindness and support. I'm hoping Jack has a better day. He really wasn't thrilled to go into school this morning. Might be a good day to buy some balloons and stop at the park. (props TC )



I sincerely thank you all for allowing me to get this off my chest. Not something I'm ever comfortable doing, and really don't like making anyone uncomfortable with my troubles. You all have made something so horribly unexpected a re-affirming life lesson in compassion and support. I am a VERY blessed, lucky, man in this life, particularly because of friends like you.



Most of all, God Bless You and Keep You Ms. Tori! :wub:



Victoria Lynn "Tori" Thompson

July 24, 1979 - August 26, 2009
http://www.accessnorthga.com/access/obituaries.php?m=detail&id=35508

 

[Jimmy Easterling]

I am sorry Dan, for your loss and my inability to be able to say anything that would remotely come close to giving you any comfort or help. I do, however, believe that everything happens for a reason and that our lives are unfolding exactly as they should. We may not know now or may not ever know, while we are on this earth, the reasons that things happen, but there is a reason. My wife teaches 5th grade in a public school in rural S. Carolina. The kids that touches her heart the most and makes her the happiest at the end of the day are kids like Jack. So if Tori was anything like my wife and it sounds like she was, Jack made as much an impression on Tori as she did on him. It should bring him some comfort if he could understand that.

 

[Rich Stern]

Dan, I'm terribly sorry to read all this. I hope time eases your family's pain over this loss.