Seeking advice

[Jim Brone]

Here's an off topic question for anyone who may have some experience or knowledge on this matter. And I would surely appreciate anyone's input.....

I have a 13 year old son of who's mother I am not, nor have ever been married to. I have been paying chils support all of his life except for a brief moment 10 years ago when we made an attempt at reconciliation and engagement. Needless to say, that didn't work. other than that, I havent missed a payment at all. She is married and has two other children now. her husband thinks I should be paying more support than I have been because there hasn't been a revision in 10 years. Now, I'm injured with a herniated disc and I can't go back to the job because they will not allow me to return with light duty to accomodate the injury. My measley short term disability benefits of a taxable $200 per week terminated after the 13th week. And being an hourly associate, I don't qualify for long term disability benefits. My ortho surgeon is trying to avoid an operation. Either way, I'm not working and have no steady source of income besides an occasional painting job for a few bucks. It's my friends painting company so I don't have to bust my hump and further injure my back. I can do it at my own pace since he gives me a flat rate. Either way, it's just a little something to give me a small bit of income. But I can't make the support payments on that. Besides my son who lives with his mother and has sole custody, I have a wife, a daughter, a house and car payments. My son's mother and her husband are trying to tell me that I should be responsible for paying $4,000 as half of an $8,000 a year tuition so he can go to a catholic high school near their house. Right now, I'm barely making my mortgage payments. Any advice?

 

[Kevin Izzi]

You are in a tough one. If you don't pay you go to the big house. You might want to go to court first and present your hardship to the courts. At least that way you are the one pulling the strings and she is not dragging you in to court kickin and screamin. Just remember your son is not that bad guy and it is important to show him you love him despite what your ex does or says. I don't know if you are a God fearing man but I often Pray about thing just like this and give it up to Him! He will help try it! Good luck your going to need it!



The Dragon

 

[Bryan McDonough]

You only have to pay what the court ordered you to pay.

 

[JP Heintzman]

Jim,



I am no lawyer but my two cents is this....obviousy you are still obligated to pay the child support until he is 18. All children are afforded the opportunity to attend public school. The private catholic school is a "choice" of your ex-wife. As far as I know, you are not obligated to pay for an "optional" school that your son does not have to attend. If she determined that she needed a Ford Excursion to drive him to school instead of a Ford Expedition, you would not be expected to pay the difference in vehicle price. I'm all for the best education we can give our children, but a private school is a luxury and you are not legally bound for half the bill (again, I'm not a lawyer). My advice in short, seek legal advice before paying or even verbally agreeing to anything. I am very sorry to hear about your current injury and income situation. I am recovering from a herniated disc surgery myself in June. Take care and God Bless.



Jim

 

[Jim Brone]

Thanks for the advice everyone. You're right about prayer. I'm just trying to stay focused enough to be able to see what God wants me to do. That's the part that gets cloudy to me.

I'm open for more advice and opinions if anyone's got them.

thanks

 

[Berry Lindley]

I don't know the full story, but it seems as if paying support is not going to happen right now, and won't until you are ready to work at a decent job unless you have put some money aside. I think I would pay a visit to either a lawer or possibly a member of the clergy that you have trust and confidence in. It may be that you cannot afford a lawer at this time, maybe someone of the cloth can assist you. There even may be a legal person in the congregation that offers advice to people in tight spots. I also think the $8000 a year is nuts unless they are loaded, and can pay this. About the job, if you were hurt at work, workers compensation should be offered to you while you recover. The employer does not want you to do this, and won't advise you to file, but if you cannot return to work, you can't return to work, and you are basically their responsibility until you are, or have settled with them. These laws vary significantly from state to state, so you need to see a professional in your state about this to discuss. You also may want to get a second opinion on the herniated disc.

 

[Jim Brone]

Berry

It's not a workman's comp situation. I've also had 2 MRI's, gone thru physical therapy and two steroid shots. It hasn't gotten any better. Worse a bit.

I've been told by more people than I care to believe that an operation would mess me up even more. I'm feeling like I've been kicked off the bus and thrown under it right now. I understand about the crazy $8,000 a year tuition. I regret not being fortunate enough to afford it. I was brought up in a very disfunctional family where there was little to no emphasis or guidance with education or much else for that matter. But I've managed to build up a pretty nice life. Now I have this blasted injury. Surely sucks.

 

[Berry Lindley]

That money is better spent on college anyway, and maybe you can help more at that time. Hang in there, listen to the docs not lay people like me. Remember If all the docs did was mess people up they'd be broke...And they aren't. I'd still get the second opinion, if your doc has your best at heart he won't mind. I'd also make sure that I was getting this done in a major city, I understand that on surgery more reps makes for better results. Best of luck,

 

[Kevin Izzi]

Jim I spoke with my wife about the tuition part of you problem. Our two are in Catholic school right now one in elementary and one in high school. My wife is very involved in both schools. She told me that they have programs in ALL perishes that will help you out with the costs during bad times. It may require your ex and if you are able, to donate time to the school. As pointed out in one of the other members posts get with you Pastor or Priest and it should all work out for you. Also I am no medical professional but my father-in-law was at a point where he was getting so depressed about his chronic back pain that we could not get him out of the bed. Then we read an article about acupuncture, he went for two TX's and now he is up and even back to playing golf....just a thought.

 

[Greg J.]

JimN,



I paid child support for 11 years. The ex tried to take me back to court after 7 yrs of payments to try and increase the payments due my son's being older and requiring more (in her opinion). The judge told her to get another job, and that the original court divorce decree would remain in effect w/o an increase. As mentioned above, the tuition for private school is a choice they made, and not a necessity, when public schools are available. I'm not a lawyer, just speaking from past experience. If I'm out of line I apologize, but it sounds to me like your ex and her current husband just want a little more income for themselves at your expense.



Hope your injury gets better soon.

 

[Gilbert Scales2]

Jim, you said something in an earlier post that got my attention. You said you were trying to stay focused so you could see what God wants you to do. That's awesome, so don't look for man's advise. Pray my Brother, and he will show you the way.



Bubby

 

[Jim Brone]

I really do appreciate the advice and kind words. Thanks to all of you.

 

[TROY WAINRIGHT3]

Im with waterwings.I would go to court and let them revise the amount.I know here in florida they go by what you are makeing a percentage is the payment.If your makeing less now then the courts have to go by that amount.If your makeing less now then then this could bite her in the butt.lol.Worst case,they keep it at the original amount.Just my 2 cents.GOOD LUCK.

 

[William H. (Bill) Barham]

A lot of this is not rocket science. Go to your local Court House, or call, and see if they have a Pro Se office. If not they will be able to tell you where there is one.

Pro se literally means "for self" and means you can look up what you need and file the papers needed to get a hearing to lower your payments. They will even help you out.

I did it all for a fairly involved custody case and it saved me at least $5,000.

I can't imagine your not getting your payments reduced in this situation.



About your back.. If you can stand the pain and you can walk, forget about surgery. Go see a Pain Management Doctor about Epidurals, Facet Injections, and Target Injections.

You just may be able to lead a semi-normal life but there is no guarantee mind you.

If you get to where you just can't walk, you are going to have to have the surgery. It might help you a lot if the nerves are ok but if they're crushed, and the Doctor's will tell you if they are or not, you will be able to walk but the pain is going to be awful.



Uncle Billy

 

[JP Heintzman]

Jim, reference your surgery, I heard all the horror stories about not getting back surgery before I had mine in June (Herniated L4-L5, two other moderate to severe bulging, degenerative disc disease). Most of the people recommending no surgery did not have back issues, so they cannot relate to the pain. The issue with the sciatic nerve is that nerves, unlike skin and muscle, do not regenerate. Once a nerve is damaged, it's permanent. Two individuals I know that had the same issue, went through pain management for 18 months, suffering, and still ended up with the surgery. Again, you'll get opinions on both sides and in the end it's your decision on what quality of life you want. I was not willing to stuff myself with all kinds of pain meds and be in pain every day. Some of those meds will screw you up in the long run, liver issues. Anyway, I had the surgery in June and am grateful I did. I haven't had any problems. I'm playing rugby or anything......ha ha ha. But I don't have pain, I can smile in the morning and go fishing! My Doc had 25 years experience and explained everything up front. I wish you the best of luck in all of your decisions my brother, the Good Lord will provide.



Jim

 

[Jim Brone]

I knew I came to the right place. NTOWS is truly the best correspondence site there is. For fishing and everything else. Thanks again.

 

[John Glover]

JimN: Get that second opinion on back surgery from a neurosurgeon, not an orthopedic surgeon. When it comes to the spinal cord bundle of nerves, you need the hands of the neurosurgeon, believe me. Mine went just fine, same, L4 and 5, and I have been pain free for six years now. Be sure and ask for the full set of tests,not just the MRI and CT scan. At the very least, any neurosurgeon is going to want a myleogram before he can decide even if surgery will fix it. I'll bet your ortho has not mentioned that test. It's painless, but really revealing for just where and how much restriction is there on the nerve bundle.

Orthos are the carpenters of medicine...screws, bolts, saws, pins, etc. Neuros can go in there and delicately remove restrictive bone abnormalities better than orthos...I truly believe that, and my two lifelong best friends are surgeons who say the same thing.

Get your knees and hips from orthos, but get your back fixed by the neuro.

jag

 

[Mark Jaworski]

Jim,



From my limited experience, Its all about income. If you make more than their houshold she may get the increase. If you make less it may actually back fire on her. I have been through this. Thankfully it never went to court. I convinced her that it would backfire on her and she threw the idea out.



Mark

 

[Edward Lea.]

It does come down to income. However watchout some states, Iowa being one, will allow the child support services unit to go into court and ask for a increase on the information they had originaly. Then you will be notified afterwards when it is done and you can hire a lawyer and go back in to fight a increase. The obvious problem here is you can't afford a lawyer anymore. I know because this happened to me. I got paid one day and it was 70 percent less than normal. I called my payroll department and found out some eager beaver lawyer had went in without anyone knowing and through some creative accounting got my child support increased by 4 times and changed my payments to a garnishment even though I had never missed a payment. That is how I found out and the ex wife called and asked why her check was so big, they didn't even ask her if it needed to be increased. So it is based on your income but they, in Iowa anyway, do not allow you to reduce your income by your living expenses. It is your gross minus tax's. They do not consider the guys, I say guys because 99.9 percent it is the guy paying, living expenses. So if your income is down considerably for a long enough time a modification of obligation may be in order. Best of luck to you.



Luckily my children grew up a long time ago.